Cardiac problems

After I was gung ho to get back on track with my health I went for a 6km walk with my family. I came home and had such awful pain in my chest. Knew I wasn't having a heart attack but I knew something was wrong. I sat on the sofa had a glass of water and tried to review my studies of the cardiovascular system and the respiratory system. I was coming up blank and the pain was getting worse, it became hard to breath. I decided it was time to go to the hospital.

I was admitted at 11:30 pm, I was there for a few days. I had aspirin and IV was started right away. I had blood taken 5 times while I was there. I had an ECG (electrocardiogram), an x-ray, a cat scan, the test where they inject you with dye, And an Echocardiogram. All of the tests came back good except for the Echocardiogram, I am waiting to hear what my doctor has to say. Hopefully its nothing to worry about. I almost had to stay in the hospital but I explained how badly I needed to get home to my children and assured them I would take it easy.

Everyone seemed to have different ideas about what it could be. I'm just glad they didn't tell me something really bad. I was calm and stayed distracted until the wee hours of the morning when I sat there (because I couldn't lay) and thought about my 4 babies a home.
I hope this doesn't knock me too far off track or delay my health mission too much. It sure has made me realize how important it is to be a strong and healthy mom.

Last supper syndrome

I have last supper syndrome. It's awful, I hate it, I need to get over it.

LSS is where you convince yourself that it's OK to eat whatever you want today/tonight because tomorrow is when you will start eating better. Tomorrow is the first day of healthy eating, tomorrow you will eat clean, so it's ok to eat whatever you want and crazy amounts of it. Is it ok for me to have a one liter of pepsi and an oh Henry? Sure cause it's my last meal of eating whatever I want....
But tomorrow never comes and so the cycle and the excuses, the bad eating, the weight gain, the guilt continues and everyday I say tomorrow is a new start. Everyday I excuse my bad eating telling myself it's ok because I will start tomorrow.

Now that I have owned it I have to change it.

Food log, so important, I know this, why do I stop tracking after a few weeks?

StartingRestarting the second I have realized I messed up. I ate something bad today, it doesn't mean the whole day long I can eat poorly. I will just switch back and refocus on eating clean.

Forgiving myself for messing up. It Happens to everyone. It's ok. I'm human.

Not putting anything off until tomorrow. No excuses, get back on track, not tomorrow but NOW.

Find motivation. Remember what's important and why I am doing this.

Running on empty

I've been feeling down and out lately. Really down and out. I'm not sure why, but when I feel like this it's hard to kick myself in the butt and get going again. I just feel sad and empty.
I haven't gone to the gym in ages so I really haven't had any grown up conversations maybe that's why? I don't get enough sleep usually 3 hours a night for weeks on end. My hubby has been gone a week and will be gone for another week but thats normal for his line of work. I have been waiting for my gloomy mood to pass but it's looming around. We have found out some scary news about one of the twins and are waiting on medical tests to confirm results. The stress from that adds up!

I know that all of my children need me to be strong and healthy, mentally and physically. I'm the one who cares for them 90% of the time. They need me at my best and I need me to be at my best. when I don't take care of myself my cup is empty and then I have nothing to give. Since can't keep going like this....
I guess it's time to pick myself up, brush myself off and carry on.

Here's my plan to shake the blues
Return to the gym 3x per week
Find a way to get at least 5 hours of sleep a night, I think this plays a huge part in my lack of energy and lack of zest for life.
Have an additional one hour of me time a week, even if I have to hire a sitter.

Hopefully I'm feeling like my old self again soon!

Finding my limits

If I don't try, if I never push myself how will I ever know how hard I can go? I have never been one to push myself. If something made me out of breath or required that I exert myself I would quit. If something required that I think about it a great deal or actually have to work hard to figure it out I would throw in the towel. I gave up on myself. I quit.

Since returning to the gym and running I have had the opportunity to remind myself of what a great feeling it is to challenge myself, to push harder then I ever have before. I have yet to find something I can't physically or mentally do. I am amazed at how strong I am and how I can improve my time every single time I run. I am proud to say I am still finding my limits.

Socially awkward

Ever since I can remember I have always been uncomfortable around others. I'm always worried I will say or do the wrong thing and often I do. I am so nervous just being around other people. Especially people I don't know. I think about for days before an actual event. I hate it.

Because of this I don't make It to most events, parties or activities that I sign up for. Sometimes I actually get ready to go and then change my mind at the last minute. sad hey?!

I'm trying to get over this. I joined the gym, and it does help but it's slow going. I had personal training so it wasn't a large group of people. Now I can't afford personal training and I have talked myself out of going to classes. Thankfully everyone there is really nice. yet another self improvement to make....


My goal for the up coming week is to go to 3 classes. Maybe 4 if I can sneak fusion in on Friday.

Big decisions

Up until February of this year I had accepted that I would be out of shape and overweight for the remainder of my life. I was going to suffer from low self-esteem and be permanantly unhappy. I had actually been accepted into a local weight loss program with the end result being weight loss surgery. I had given up, I thought I was getting old and I felt I had no other options. I had a bad feeling about having surgery, a little voice inside me was screaming, begging and warning me not to do it. I thought about it for awhile.

Thankfully I went with my gut and decided NOT to have the surgery. I have friends that have had the surgery and they all have health problems now. They suffer from a variety of ailments from hair loss to malnourishment. They have low immune systems and are always sick. Some of these people have gained the weight back. I believe the reason is because they didn't fix the problem in the first place. Whatever made them overweight to begin with was still making them overweight.

I joined a gym called Jo Dumont fitness training and I have been working hard to find all of the things I thought I had forever lost. I am getting stronger all the time. I have met some really great people from the gym, some I hope to build friendships with. I feel a little bit better about myself and I know as time goes on my self-esteem will grow stronger.

When all hope was lost I found another option and boy am I glad I did!

Competition

I have come to realize how competative I am. I love a challenge, to really push myself. When I do, I can honestly do anything. I have proven this time and time again. so.... why is it that once I get going on the road to success I sabotage myself?
I hate losing, so if I quit or just stop all together then I don't have to say I failed or even that I lost because I simply didn't try. How can I feel that dreaded feeling of disappointment when I'm the one that choose to throw in the towel?
Why do I hate losing so much? It's ok to lose now and then. Just try again right? I don't know.
I do know that I like to prove people wrong. I like to make bets for little rewards. It has to be against someone tho not just against myself. I love the feeling of winning.
I'm going to use this to motivate me, To keep me going, to push myself harder then I ever have before. I bet you I can shave 5 minutes off my 5 km race time for the fathers day run. :)